Life @ Mill

Ok, today I was joined by a long standing friend of mine for breakfast who flew in last night to the UK with her new boyfriend. Now Liv is kinda avant-garde with her outlook to lifestyle and our conversation drifted through many subjects as we nattered away... New boyfriend, Kieran was naturally a bit of a third wheel as Liv and I talked at length. At one point in the conversation Liv mentioned a medical complaint (by it's official name) that Kieran was suffering from...

Now you all know me by now.. I speak as I find. So when I heard that Keiran had been born a haemophiliac (the oldest known hereditary bleeding disorder, basically if you get cut it takes a long time to stop bleeding) I was naturally concerned and engaged him about this in conversation when Liv was being excused. The problem being that I'd was operating under the misapprehension that haemophilia was the occurrence of an intersex anomaly, in other words someone was born with both female and male genitals.. You can understand my mistake. Hermaphrodite sound a bit like haemophiliac, especially with Liv's southern drawl and it being an early hour in the morning.

I turned to Kieran and sympathised with him about how difficult growing up must have been for him... I was shocked when he replied that is wasn't especially hard but he did have to be careful in certain situations... "I'd imagine so!" came my surprised retort. I then went on, as you do, to ask him how his 'disorder' affected Liv and his sex life.. Again I was utterly shocked to hear that "I don't know that you'd even notice it.."

At this point Liv re-enters the room and joins in the conversation. I dig the biggest hole you can imagine for myself over the next ten minutes, with all three of us becoming more and more confused... Until I finally spit out "So on your passport are you classed as a man or a woman, you know.. legally.. where do you stand on that.." Liv asks me what the hell I'm talking about... I answer - He's an haemophiliac.. you know with girl and boy bits...

I'm glad they have a sense of humour... We fell about laughing and I was duly corrected that a hermaphrodite is the one with both sets of bits..

please enjoy my excruciating embarrassment - I know they did

These are actual excerpts from the Queen Mother's 'Books of Condolence'. Some of these are classic in the true sense of the word.

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No,' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvellous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.

"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard."
G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'You know, it's not true,' she said. 'You don't smell of shit.' She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort."
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

I wish I could fly - Keith Harris and Orville
Listening to this makes me realise my potential for genocide! It's utterly amazing that a green puppet with a nappy could put me in touch with a hatred I have never known about the human race...
I expect that when Keith Harris dies he will go to hell. Every morning for eternity Satan will shove Orville up Kieth's bum... I'm starting to envy Satan now!

“…-no girl had ever moved me with a story of spiritual suffering and so beautifully her soul showing out radiant as an angel wandering in hell and the hell the selfsame streets I’d roamed in watching, watching for someone just like her and never dreaming the darkness and the mystery and eventuality of our meeting in eternity,”
Jack Kerouac

In this life what is it that we can depend on? I often ask myself this seeking some constancy in the incohereant babble of all around me. It is as though, without some constants by which to anchor the chaos that boils at my feet, I am unable to make sense of the rest.

Am I a constant, no. I am variable, affected, responsive to those around me. In all my ponderings on what can be counted on I can only find one depressing fact. This is "People will serve themselves best."

"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heaven"

What is the meaning of life? Perhaps it's utterly post-modernistic in that it has no meaning or that the meaning was but one creative moment that washes into the sea of time like footprints on the beach? If anything, and I must talk from a purely subjective standpoint, I truely believe that I am the punchline to some great cosmic joke that I lack the capability of 'getting' because my mind is too small.

Of course people have thier own theories, God and creation, some great universal force, pure science and some even odder ones that I don't dare to even imagine. Lets face it... all crap! I mean if we believe in a world of opposites then we must believe that people/deeds/events are either basically good or basically evil, this is so misconcieved because we have lots of 'good' people running around out there doing 'evil' things. I fail to be able to rationalise that at all.

I've not led a blameless life by any stretch of the imagination but I've never done anything 'cruel' or 'evil' to another living creature, so why is it that I have such a shitty life where people are mean to me for no apparent reason. I guess a lot of people can't resist the temptation of taking advantage of me because of my limited, immediate mental capacities but that makes them basically bad but really they are good people. Gah! Now my head is spinning!

Thanks for bearing with me through that, I've no idea what I wrote and if you did then you're much smarter than me.

Each day I try to forgive the unforgettable
so much paid in blood, tears and soul
when the unforgotten gnaws at you from the past
when the debts due are left unpaid
when there is no more left inside
when robbed, battered, broken and alone in the dark
... it is hard to give and impossible to forgive.

Without skirting around the loss of life and the bravery of the emergency services who have been battling for days to extinguish the blaze I really want to address some of the long term implications of this disaster.

I'm very concerned about the sheer quantities of fumes, smoke and soot that has been released into the atmosphere, people are being told to 'stay indoors' and 'keep doors and windows closed'. I see this much like the American 'duck and cover' advice that was given to the American public during the Bay of Pigs escalation. What you were meant to do in the event of an 'atomic attack' - "When you see the flash, duck and cover." The informational film of the time showed a stereotypical 50's American family observe the flash and then jump underneath thier picnic cloth. I really didn't have any idea that picnic cloths could be so useful, flame and heat resistant to temperatures of several thousand degrees!

In the same grain the environment will suffer badly due to the disaster near Hemel Hempstead. As the tower of ash and soot falls it will spread itself over farms, businesses, residential areas and finally that huge quantity of toxins will find it's way into the water. The cost will be easy to observe as the toll on local wildlife will be immense, it is fortunate that most wildlife is either in hibernation or migrated due to the time of year but we must remember that toxins such as petro-carbons and benzine have long lives and high levels of contamination.

A quick search on the Internet or a public library will turn up many buildings in your local area that have been used for the storage of oil and oil products. These buildings are too expensive to demolish safely due to contamination and they are equally expensive to clean up. Essentially this disaster has cut a seventy mile swathe of poison across the UK and the effects in years to come may well be fatal.

Benzine is a particularly nasty substance here is it's chemical profile with regard to proven hazards to human health:
Exposure to chemical substances can cause adverse effects on the nervous system (Neurotoxicity). Chemicals toxic to the central nervous system can induce confusion, fatigue, irritability, and other behavioral changes. Exposure to methyl mercury and lead cause central nervous system toxicity, and can also cause degenerative diseases of the brain (encephalopathy). Chemicals toxic to the peripheral nervous sytem affect how nerves carry sensory information and motor impulses from the brain to the rest of the body. The organic solvents carbon disulfide, n-hexane,and trichloroethylene can harm the peripheral nervous system, resulting in weakness in the lower limbs, tingling in the limbs (paresthesia), and loss of coordination.

Then of course there is good old oil based petro-chemicals:
Gastrointestinal or Liver Toxicants
Exposure to chemical substances can cause adverse effects on the the gastrointestinal tract, liver, or gall bladder (gastrointestinal and liver toxicity). The gastrointestinal tract is the site of entry for chemicals that are ingested. Exposure to halogenated aromatic hydrocarbons, including chlorobenzene and hexachlorobenzene, and metals such as lead, mercury, arsenic, and cadmium can cause anorexia, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, and diarrhea. The liver is frequently subject to injury induced by chemicals because of its role as the body's principal site of metabolism. Necrosis, or liver cell death, is a common effect of acute exposure to chemicals. Carbon tetrachloride and related chemicals, such as chloroform, are linked to cirrhosis of the liver. Cancer of the liver has been associated with occupational exposures to arsenic, copper, and vinyl chloride.

Nice eh!

The question that is really on my mind is who gets to pay for the clean up operation? Who will foot the bill for all the health related problems that we will be seeing in the future? I'm guessing there is billions of pounds worth there... but I'm also guessing that it will be the British Tax Payer that foots this bill. It seems somewhat unfair considering that the these petro-chemical companies are some of the most cash rich organisations on the face of the planet.

No no no no no... I've not found a really good anti-ageing cream. This is me age 11 months. Apparently babies don't smile at this age, I beg to differ.

Now we are all familiar with the concept of rewarding good behaviour and punishing or ignoring bad behaviour. Those of us who have read a parenting book or taken psyc. 101 will know that in order to encourage those who have an under developed morality (such as 4 year old children) it is the way in which they are taught to behave.

It occured to me earlier today that this morality should never be taught by mothers to their children. What they actually need to be teaching is how to be annoying, demanding, unsatisfied, rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless and utterly guilt free. It seems that society demands these attributes at the highest level.

Case studies:

Advertising Exec: Mr X.

Mr X works for an advertising company where his sole preoccupation is how to encourage young people to take up smoking at an early age. Yes, this is his brief. His team's annual budget for these activities is in excess of £100m, which doesn't include his wages of over 400K p.a

I surmise the Mr. X has been rewarded disproportionately to his activities in order to encourage immoral behaviour on his part. Mr. X is aware of the evils of smoking to such an extent that he quit after seeing the corporate video that circulates BAT's advertising arm (imagine/evolution). Mr. X's team is 30 strong, none of which are paid any less than £150K p.a.

How can society rightly put someone into jail for 15 years for holding up a building society and causing no harm when they allow the above behaviour to continue and infact reward such behaviour. It is worth noting that Mr Ken Clark (MP) is a board member of BAT (british american tobacco)

[this is a totally true story, because I can do the impossible/illegal with computers I met some very interesting people while I was able to work.]

[12:33:28] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: You're Application is Served!
[12:35:42] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: Ready for testing with the UK hardcoded for
now.
[12:53:30] Wakeeem: ok sebd us urls and I am there a testing
[12:54:23] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: http://area51.chillihosts.net/dirtybitch/admin/
[12:54:56] «¤»Ímþ«¤»:
http://area51.chillihosts.net/dirtybitch/customerRegistrati
on.php -- customer - this is hardcoded to UK for now.
[12:55:22] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: All the functionality you requested is there and
it really is just a case of cosmetics.
[12:56:05] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: you can apply a stylesheet to the customer pages
to tart them up - have a look in the html code to find the
objects I've used for the forms.
[12:56:26] Wakeeem: ok
[12:56:43] Wakeeem: can you attach a style sheet and I will edit it
[12:56:45] Wakeeem: thanks
[12:56:53] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: The forms are without validation btw...
[12:58:00] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: erm... yeah I can do a stylesheet for the
customer pages but that will mean me writing all the basic
handles for the elements... or you can have a blank one for
gratis - but you'll have to write your own elements.
[12:58:01] Wakeeem: girl friend #1 is in the office
[12:58:06] Wakeeem: am being very distracted
[12:58:27] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: tell her to suck harder so you can finish and
then you can concentrate
[12:59:20] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: you'll be able to find the correct cc details to
use on the kwikpay instructions.
[12:59:46] Wakeeem: will cheak
[12:59:53] Wakeeem: check
[13:00:36] «¤»Ímþ«¤»: nods... (I lose the ability to spell when in the
company of fine women too)

A very very very old chat log. Enjoy!

[20-42-22] peter@mischi- He wants me to make a holding page now.. So
I'm just hunting around the server for some gfx and
stylesheets
[20-42-44] I Grow The B- lol
[20-42-52] peter@mischi- I know... well
[20-42-57] peter@mischi- No rest for the wicked!
[20-42-59] I Grow The B- im sending you pics via email
[20-43-08] peter@mischi- Schweet.. nice one angelina
[20-44-56] peter@mischi- I've found some banners that might do...
[20-45-15] I Grow The B- what some home made type
[20-45-43] peter@mischi- Lol.. I dunno what they look like yet - got
to make them to a public area then take a peek via a
browser
[20-46-25] I Grow The B- Leave a funky message like Dick Control is
out of serve
[20-47-03] peter@mischi- Lol.. I was thinking about it.. also thinking
about offering my erection to wives and girlfriends... as a
replacement service
[20-47-26] I Grow The B- yeah
[20-47-32] I Grow The B- and its free of charge
[20-47-45] peter@mischi- Well.. they payt travelling and coke
expenses
[20-47-53] I Grow The B- and toys
[20-48-00] peter@mischi- Yeah.. exactly...
[20-48-00] I Grow The B- also for special effects too
[20-48-20] peter@mischi- fucking right.. and I ain't wearing those
clown shoes again neither! lol
[20-48-40] I Grow The B- Or pretending to put on some fake james bond
accent
[20-48-52] I Grow The B- sent you the pics
[20-48-56] peter@mischi- No.. I can do a sean connery!
[20-48-57] I Grow The B- i slept with robin
[20-49-08] peter@mischi- Who..
[20-49-12] I Grow The B- I can do great cockney
[20-49-14] peter@mischi- robin redbreast?
[20-49-20] I Grow The B- robin this chick in toronto
[20-49-23] I Grow The B- she was HOT
[20-49-28] peter@mischi- did she have redbreasts
[20-49-34] I Grow The B- nah
[20-49-37] I Grow The B- lol
[20-49-42] I Grow The B- cant do red breats
[20-50-06] peter@mischi- I can - but it can be painful.. depends if
their the masocistic type
[20-50-20] peter@mischi- just checkin your mail now
[20-50-50] * I Grow The Best Weed has changed his/her name to My
family grows the best weed. Internationally from UK across
the seas!
[20-50-53] peter@mischi- yeah.. Robin red breasts is cute man.. I
approve.
[20-51-05] My family gr- yeah she was cool
[20-51-13] My family gr- she didnt know how to take me
[20-51-21] My family gr- was i serious flirting or joking
[20-51-27] peter@mischi- So you took her instead - right?
[20-51-53] My family gr- well we took each other after a few shot of
brain haemorrages
[20-51-55] peter@mischi- your mate jesse looks like someone I used to
know called Phil Martin
[20-52-08] My family gr- yeah Jesse reminded me of you
[20-52-09] My family gr- so wild
[20-52-24] My family gr- and that pic of a girl close up me and jesse
nearly had a 3some with her
[20-52-29] peter@mischi- Lol... ya ain't seen nuffink yet Sash!
[20-52-34] peter@mischi- *tongue*
[20-52-37] My family gr- but she wanted her boyfriend to join in we
were like fuck that
[20-53-11] peter@mischi- Yeah.. you probably would have worn him out
in 10 mins flat
[20-53-20] My family gr- nah worn me out
[20-53-26] My family gr- i get well knackered
[20-53-33] peter@mischi- tsk tsk tsk.. no stamina sash
[20-53-34] My family gr- and bored!
[20-53-34] peter@mischi- lol
[20-53-45] peter@mischi- Ah.. we have to work on that then
[20-53-51] My family gr- yeah
[20-54-10] My family gr- i want people drooling over the fact that i
could be magical in bed
[20-54-11] peter@mischi- I know about the getting bored thing.. you
just need to be more assertive... worst thing that can
happen is...
[20-54-17] peter@mischi- that they stop... ya know
[20-54-40] My family gr- im a reluctant lover
[20-54-45] peter@mischi- Hey... Now getting folk drooling about that
over you won't be hard..
[20-54-45] My family gr- i like being lazy
[20-55-12] peter@mischi- Well.. erm.. sex... the more you put in the
more you get out - unless you shag corpses..
[20-55-23] My family gr- lol
[20-55-26] My family gr- im the corpses
[20-55-32] peter@mischi- x-- not something I've tried in case you're
wondering.
[20-55-37] My family gr- yo have you been watching desperate
housewives
[20-55-45] peter@mischi- Nah.. any good?
[20-56-03] peter@mischi- Seen some hot lil bint in underware on
bil;lboard ads though
[20-56-22] My family gr- yeah man its on weds at 10pm on channel 4
[20-56-44] My family gr- and theres this lesbian american soap called
The L Word
[20-56-55] My family gr- lol its so fucking full of lesbian sex
[20-57-02] peter@mischi- I really should check it out.. Might have to
sit watching it with an erection.. but hey.. that's life
huh
[20-57-15] My family gr- look man thats life
[20-57-21] My family gr- watching and not touching
[20-57-36] peter@mischi- Nah.. that's torture..
[20-57-49] My family gr- I need to be a gangster rapper and have hoes
and shit and some mtv crib....I want my room to be filled
with pussy
[20-58-16] peter@mischi- Wriggling and alive with it bro!
[20-58-28] My family gr- lol
[20-58-47] My family gr- and u know dem whoes will let you call them
bitches and wear tiny bikinis
[20-59-17] peter@mischi- I'm far too much of a considerate lover -
unless they are down with being hoes... lol
[21-00-17] peter@mischi- Hey...
[21-00-23] My family gr- hmmmmm
[21-00-38] peter@mischi- wot about this gfx
[21-00-39] peter@mischi- http-//www.xxxxx.co.uk/xxxxx_uk.jpg
[21-01-19] My family gr- its alright for now
[21-01-34] peter@mischi- Yeah.. it's the only half decent one I can
find.
[21-01-43] My family gr- well it will have to do
[21-01-50] My family gr- you can spend all night looking
[21-01-53] My family gr- cant
[21-02-20] peter@mischi- Should I stick the phone number on there.. uk
office times 9-30 - 17-30 mon - fri
[21-03-01] My family gr- yeah
[21-03-10] peter@mischi- What's the number sash
[21-03-20] My family gr- dunno

Dear Juggling Flapmiester,

Your flapping has now reached such epic proportions that I have for some time been unable to carry out my job properly.. Your repeated cries of 'the internet is down', 'the phone system doesn't work' and my personal favourite "I never touched apart from that I logged in and.... But apart from the fact it's not working anymore, it's working perfectly, so could you fix it." - have all grown too much for me. If it wasn't all so fucking tragic it would be hilarious...

Your utterly irrelevant and mind numbingly boring stories about kite surfing, your holidays and the shallow and boring people that you associate with, have bought me to my knees with their totalitarian mediocrity, lesser morals would have held you in complete contempt long before I did. I feel my time has not been in vain as I have learnt to suffer fools gladly.

Well, as you can probably imagine from my outburst I will be leaving.. wave your stupid worthless contract all you like.. go red faced and bang your hand on the desk... go on... it makes me chuckle so.. and I need a good laugh!

I will not be working out the final month, well I will, but consider my presence as material as the mythical 'bonus situation' - so although you won't actually see me there or have any production from me you can be assured I and my production do exist and are working hard in some parallel dimension.

I have noted that you have now filled the entire 180Gb of network storage with multiple copies of the same data over two disks... this is not a disaster prevention strategy... this is a disaster waiting to happen. As I have pointed out many times you should leave such matters to those with a scooby-fucking-doo.

I have also noted that you have filled the phone system hard disk with utter shite as well.. I'm afraid I can't do anything about that as the computer has crashed under the weight of your 80Gb file transfers. A point worth noting for future reference is that 80Gb or data will not fit onto a 20Gb disk - regardless of how surprised you look when it errors and crashes.

One is former leader of the conservative party the other sniffs cocaine off a strippers tits every saturday night.

After the recent walk out by Saddam from the trail in Iraq his future is looking a tad uncertain.

Each journey begins with one small step.

Silent comes my adversary to eat me by degrees in the darkness to which I am both servant and master. Hands on my throat it aches to want to need a gasp of air to give blessed relief to my striken frame and when it comes it gives absolution to my soul to know that I am alive. We are not truely alive until we are almost dead.

1. I enjoy smoking
2. I love to drink
3. I am sought out by excess
4. I live in a permanent state of belwilderment
5. I am very untidy
6. I have a methodology for everything but the mundane
7. I find the mundane impossible
8. I excel at the abstract and complex
9. I dont understand people
10. I do understand string theory (m-theory)
11. I often feel I am a spectator to my own life
12. I once forgot to eat for nearly a week
13. I am infinately patient
14. I live by treating others how I would like to be treated
15. I see all the details but not the bigger picture
16. I have walked many miles in many shoes but not a step in my own
17. I believe that those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter
18. I avoid regret, though some memories are painful
19. I take too long making choices
20. I drink far far too much
21. I have more than dabbled in illicit drugs
22. I am diagnosed as defective
23. I am a people pleaser
24. I have more broken dreams than future ambitions
25. I cant watch the news
26. I believe there is too much evil in the world
27. I do not pity myself but those that must suffer me
28. I always wished to die young
29. I never got anything I wished for
30. I can be reckless and foolhardy
31. I care little for myself
32. I hate hatred
33. I love to love
34. I can talk to anyone
35. I can speak about a huge range of subjects
36. I think truth is subjective
37. I appreciate the beauty of the world around me
38. I adore human expression through any artistic medium
39. I love taking photographs
40. I unconditionally adore women
41. I will never die by my own design
42. I understand that all my plans go awry
43. I always trust everyone
44. As a child I wanted to be a witch doctor
45. I was expelled from six schools
46. I believe that we are alone in a godless universe
47. I accept the beliefs and opinions of others
48. I would rather be the cause of a million smiles than have a million pounds
49. I will never ever get better
50. If I had one wish I would use it on someone else

It's that time of year again, that special time when we all suddenly wish each other well, give gifts to friends and family as a token of our affection as well as selflessly giving money to charity and thinking of those who are not as fortunate as ourselves. What a wonderful sentiment Xmas inspires and were it not for human nature it would work perfectly. Personally I don't need a special date on my calendar to love my friends and family, nor do I reserve good deeds for just one time each year but then I'm one of those poor sick puppies who is poorly socially adjusted.

Utter amazement holds me in its thrall as I witness this season of greed, competition, rudeness and indifference unfold. I wonder if the world around me has lost it's meaning for those cold stoney inhabitants who seem to patrol the malls and stores like so much cattle. This dream of imagined happiness that can be purchased, packaged, wrapped and given, complete with proof of purchase should the procured joy be inadequate in some way.

It seems so convenient that affection can be demonstrated with a quick flash of cash in a last minute dash to the shops, the concept of this neat package leaves me cold, it seems inhuman in so many ways. Maybe I am wrong, perhaps people really do get huge gratification from this brand (or perhaps 'branded') form of caring.

Of late I have been 'force' (nothing to do with star wars) socialising myself. This I can partially blame on the lack of my Internet connection and the close proximity of a 'health club' Yes reader! I, the great unwashed, unshaven, uneducated and underexcerised have actually been attending an establishment of so called health.

Partially I have to admit that I am doing this to actually school myself into leaving the house, finding a brisk walk in the park not motivating enough. However these daily jaunts, a mile of swimming followed by a little indulgence of what the spar has to offer have not been without some of my own unique observations and that is what I am here to impart to you. Yes, I'm actually writing a post that veers away from my own dark introspection!

So firstly the health club seems to be inhabited by mainly very overweight people who are virtually crying out "My Doctor Made Me Do It!" and they seem highly adept at actually avoiding any form of exertion, which to me seems somewhat odd. For example the portly gent who has a face like a red traffic light whose whole regime consists of sitting in the jacuzzi or mastrubating in the steam room, most unnerving especially when he starts looking in my direction! I suppose this could be termed exercise and we can only be thankful that he mastrubates after being in the jacuzzi as he seems at odds with any concept of hygiene.

Then there are the two elderly ladies who stand halfway up the fast lane having a long conversation... I have yet to actually see either of them swim a stroke, it might be down to them not wanting to get thier hair wet or some such, in fact there is an inordinate amount of women who don't ever get thier hair wet while swimming, surely another pursuit would suit them better. Gah!

I seem to be ranting, this really isn't good at all as I'm not exactly in a position to really put anyone else down, still these are just observations. I find the jacuzzi quite problematic being that my swimming shorts tend to get filled with the bubbles and force me to rise to the surface, groin first and then bob around uncontrollably until I force the air from them with a whoosh. Additionally I always seem to end up sitting near a faulty valve, which in itself does not detract from the experience but during the pause between cycles it makes me look as though I am farting copiously. Sometimes I think "Why me!" and I have tried moving around to different places but the farting valve seems to follow me, perhaps a conspiracy against me by machines!

Still I shall continue to endure my daily humiliation at the hands of the jacuzzi as I believe that the benefits are starting to show... For example, I'm looking cleaner, more muscular and much better defined... and strangely while I swim my mind is in repose, thinking only of each stroke and breath and naught else.